Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Early morning sex has been proven to be more effective than coffee


You know you had good sex when you walk outside and the neighborss start clapping


We had social Networking back in the day. It was called Go outside and play


If you know wwhat movie this is... then you are old enough


If you are angry and yell. The Stronger you become


Caturday. Even chibi misaka is excited about it


So all you want is a taste?


I don't always die, but when I do. I don't - Eren Attack on Titan


We watch anime for the Plot


waiting for Kuroko no Basuke Season 2


Taking 30 minutes to shower, because you like to stand there, under the hot water, just thinking about life.


that moment when you need to adjust your sleeping position but feel bad because your pet is asleep on you


the world would be a much better place if men admitted that they cry and women that they masturbate.


Walk up in the club like. Whaddup I got a big Cock


Alcohol talking


69% of people find something dirty in every sentence


I had to give up jogging, it almost killed me.. My thighs kept rubbing together and set my underwear on fire!


Have you ever been so drunk... You had to strap yourself in, and hold on for Dear life?


How not to wear a Disney Sweater


That feeling you get when someone you thought was cool as shit, turns out to be shady as fuck.


What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?


Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back but when you're with them they always got their phone in their hand texting


I don't do the keep calm & carry on thing. I do the Keep Calm & quietly, stealthily, chillingly Plot Revenge Thing...


Apparently, Ice is really bad for your health! Warn all your friends!


Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll... or you're taking shit from some asshole


Lemme Grab dat ass


3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees!


Did you ever Wonder where the Expression "Dick Head" originated?


Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I wanted to bark at the neighbors too, But I'm a cat


Selective hearing aids for men


Your breath smells like shit. Have you been kissing ass again?


What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears, bears will kill you.


Remember.. Life is a Bitch. If it was easy it would be a slut


Only a fool trips on what is behind him.


It's a beautiful day. I really want you to go outside and play.


Sure, I'll wear a Tiara. What weapons does it have?


I don't wanna TACO 'bout it


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?


TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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What does your family do?


Seeing a Teacher outside of school... You have no Power here...


Like if you're bored & scrolling through your newsfeed


I don't fucking care if it's 1am, 2am, 3am, or 4am. If you call and I care about you, I will answer


I heard your a player. Nice to meet you. I'm the coach


Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate Not an alcoholic


I wish I had Dora's Parents. They let that Bitch go anywhere!!!


The Sun will destroy planet Earth in 7.6 billion years


Now you know PAIN!!


Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before going to bed?


Who remembers going on the computer just to use Paint and Space pinball?


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